I ate a bug

I ate a bug once. Well I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten more than a few in my lifetime, but in this story I only ate one. Well, I’m not even sure I actually ate it. Just keep reading.

This all happened a long time ago, when I was still young, in one of my teacher’s office.

I don’t really remember the reason I was there, or the reason any of the many people there had to be there, but that’s ok since it doesn’t affect the story. There were quite a few people there, or at least it seemed that way since that office was rather small. I had a drink with me: one of those plastic cups with coke in it. I suppose a bunch of us students and the teacher were farting around, probably bargaining for a better grade or less homework. Most of the time the cup just sat on the desk. At one point a bug strolled by, just idling around the room. To be honest I just saw it walk by once on the desk and didn’t pay much attention to it. It was a harmless, stinger-less kind of bug; didn’t think much of it...

At some point I grabbed my cup to drink some cola and then I felt something bump with the inside of my mouth. It could’ve been a piece of ice, or something might’ve fallen into it. This is where I realized that ‘something’ might be Mr. Bug. What happened next was instantaneous, kind of like it does when something horrible happens, and it happens in slow motion and the only thing you can think of is cutting your losses. And by ‘cutting your losses’ I mean get royally fucked.

Big deal, I got something in my mouth? Just spit it out! Except that among the people there in the office was my then love-interest. Keep in mind this happened during the age when unrequited love is the most terrible thing on the face of the planet, unmatched by plague, famine and a hurricane all happening in the same place and time as an earthquake, a meteor crash and a killer bee attack. All that is just a way of saying I was pretty darn stupid at the time.

Spitting out a bug in front of the most gorgeous, sweet, adorable girl in the universe was totally unacceptable. The chances of getting a kiss from here were scarce as it were; I didn’t need her having an image of a bug being in my mouth. The rest of the other people present would ensure the story would not die down.

So I opted for the course of action that would draw the least amount of attention to my problem. I just cursed both heaven and hell. And swallowed. And cursed heaven and hell a couple more times.

It’s been over a decade since that happened. This is the first time I share this story. Had she found out it would’ve defeated the whole purpose. But hey, I’m older now, I suppose I could start moving into the ‘laugh about it later’ part. So there, I admit it: I ate a bug. Or some ice, whatever.